I’ve never written about this. Not even in private on paper with ink that smears. I’ve told less than two hands worth of people but I’m sure more than that know by now. I’m okay with that. When you inflict the kind of pain I did, your name deserves a sourness about it when spoken. 4 years ago I cheated on Will. It happened only once and I told him the next day. He said he wouldn’t leave me. I spent a lot of time having panic attacks and taking Xanax. He said he didn’t yell at me because he knew I’d been punishing myself enough. I haven’t been able to forgive myself completely because I’m not sure I deserve it. It is because of me, and me alone, that my marriage ended. I say this because I know it’s the truth. It wasn’t just the cheating but other things I did that crumbled everything to the ground. Will would rebuild and I’d keep demolishing. I learned too late the reasons I was sabotaging something that could have been so breathtaking like seeing outer space for the first time through the small window of a rocket. I took away our chance to be incredible. He took away his ability to stand it anymore and I don’t blame him. He left me with the imprint of himself on my heart and tangible memories I keep boxed up in the garage. He left me because I deserved to be left. He did so abruptly and gracefully. He gave me the the chance to start over with better values for myself and the person I spend my life with . It’s the last, and most necessary, gift he gave me.
One-Two Punch
I drove to Lish’s apartment in Seattle last night for three reasons. The first was to watch home movies from my childhood because I was (and still am) fucking adorable. The second was to finally try the Malaysian place near her house (SO GOOD). The third was so that she could punch my ears. Here are some pictures to make that easier to understand.
Pictured: two dermal punches, a taper, two plugs, and two o-rings. Not pictured: my fear.
The ends of the dermal punches are SUPER sharp like scalpels. They’re also hollow. Also, they’re not only used for piercing purposes but also by doctors to remove unwanted growths from your body. Well, not YOUR body. YOUR body is perfect. Except for those growths.
Sharpie mark on one ear.
Sharpie mark on the other ear.
Punch one. The thing you can’t recognize is a piece of cork to catch the punch on the other side of my ear. There was pain. Lots of pain. It only lasted a minute (not exaggerating. The pain went away fairly quickly.) The worst part was the crunch sound of my cartilage. To compare, when she did my septum piercing, that was WAY more painful. Fun fact: Lish has pierced my septum twice. The first time I was an idiot and took it out and then I wanted it back so she did it again but not before she required a blood oath that I’d keep it in.
So much blood. I could feel it literally pouring out of me. I mean, I’m no scientist or whatever, but I’m sure I lost over 3 pints of blood. (That’s completely untrue. I probably lost about as much as a deep paper cut produces.) 3 PINTS!
Still bleeding and preparing for punch two.
Punch two. Now with more paper towel and lamaze breathing.
The grossest part hasn’t even begun. Also, I’m not even sure you can see the jewelry, but the flairs do fit under the fold. She put them in only most of the way to allow for healing.
Blood collar selfie. Also, Lish didn’t want blood to go into my ear canal so she stuffed a piece of paper towel in my ear.
The pieces of my cartilage that were punched out. The end is black because of the sharpie mark. When I asked Lish what she was gonna do with my flesh, she said (and I shit you not) that most people she pierces like this EAT THE PIECES. I was confused and disgusted and she could tell. She explained that people didn’t want parts of them to dry up and die and that eating them was a sort of right of passage and all that woo-woo crap. So, I thought about it for a minute and…
Thought about it some more…
And then I put the pieces in my mouth and downed them with some sipping broth from dinner. There was no chewing involved because I’m not THAT hardcore. Also, more blood collar.
So, that concludes the pictures. There’s still little to no pain. I’ve found the perfect way to sleep without the pillow touching my ears. The blood flowing out of me did not symbolize all of my emotions leaving my body. It symbolized a lot of fucking blood flowing out of me because I’d just had a sharp object remove a piece of flesh from my body. I slept with a towel on my pillow last night and actually didn’t bleed onto it as much as I thought I would. I wiped all of my neck blood off before I went to bed. I also used a q-tip this morning to clean up the excess blood in my hair and around the parts of my ear that I was allowed to touch. I didn’t remove the dried crusted blood around the actual piercings because Lish told me not to for good reason. So, as I sit here and type this, I hope the people around me don’t notice the slight amount of blood around my cartilage. I wasn’t about to make myself a hermit because of some dried blood. It’s not as gross as it could be.
In conclusion, Lish did a wonderful job (as always) and we’re both super happy with the placement and outcome. After the deed was done, we watched more home movies of me and then I left because it was time. I’ll be back on Sunday for a Silent Hill movie marathon which means Lish will spend the whole time staring at my ears because she’s vain and needy and needs validation. Not true. She’s awesome and, as I said before, did a wonderful job and I’d let her make me bleed anytime!
My head is a hive of words that won't settle 