Performance Audio

 

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Unfold

If only
you could unfold with me
like soft sheets,
like a love note
kept secret.
Our hearts could break open
from something other than damage.
Our lips,
our thoughts…
woven with no loose threads.
Something beautiful
made from anticipation.
If only we could dance.
Our two bodies
close enough,
instead of just my words
dancing around you
when I speak them.
You will always be
“if only”
and “never”.
You could easily claim
my fast and hopscotch heartbeats.
You overwhelm me.
You are my loss for words
when all that matters
is the quiet between us.

Tuesday Night

Tonight,
I opened my front door
and led you into my room.
Candles were lit and flickering
but not to convey romance.
I just wanted to darken
our collective shyness.
And there was nothing romantic
about you saying “you can suck my dick if you want to”.
After all,
that’s why I invited you over.
That’s why you messaged me.
You unzipped,
I got on my knees,
and I took you in my mouth.
I took in your smell,
your taste,
and it was all perfect.
I’d been eager to do this with you for months.
To hear your moans fill the space around me.
You said harder,
I sucked harder.
I used my tongue in ways
I’d been missing
because for the past few years,
I’ve had only cisgendered dick in my mouth.
So I devoured you,
put some of my longing into you
as much as you’d let me.
I pulled your pants down further
and grabbed your clenched ass with both hands.
I pulled you into me,
you pushed into me,
you grabbed my hair.
You took off your shirt
revealing a body
my hands wanted to explore.
I wanted to kiss the scars on your chest
but there wasn’t time.
I wanted to kiss your lips
but that’s not what you were here for.
You came hard,
said this was the weirdest thing you’d ever done,
and we both laughed.
I walked you back to the front door
where we agreed we’d have to do this again sometime.
I went back to my room
and opened my window
to let some of the night air in.
The candles are almost finished flickering,
like stars about to burn out.

Adventure Dog

Adventure Dog
loved being in the sun.
She loved being under the covers
until she’d pant her way to cooler air.
Adventure dog loved people,
food,
car rides,
and long walks.
She was a champion adjuster
of blankets for napping.
Adventure Dog
got me out of bed
when I was too scared to do it myself.
She recognized my panic
as well as I did.
She knew the definition of divorce
as being just me now
and him only sometimes,
then him never again.
Adventure Dog
cared that I got home safe
from a night of drinking.
Never knew there were so many times
when I almost didn’t.
She never judged me
for all the vomiting,
the hangovers,
the regret.
Adventure dog
has been gone since April 7, 2016.
Looked like she knew why the vet came over.
She fell asleep on my bed for the last time.
Turned into ashes
that sit on a shelf in my room.
She’s not here to witness
my 8 months of sobriety
or my newfound joy for life.
Her snores are no longer the lullaby
I listen to as I fall asleep.
Adventure Dog
often visits me in my dreams.
Sometimes, I can still feel her heaviness nearby
in the between being awake and still sleeping.

 

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Car ride to Portland
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Frogging
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That face
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Casual Friday dog
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Close-up
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In the sun
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Awkward dog selfie
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Bed buddy
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Breakfast time
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Our last day

 

 

 

 

 

Candles

I went to Target and bought a box
of 100 tea light candles.
The cashier asked me why so many,
thought maybe I was gonna propose.
That 100 small flames
would be the way to do it.
That I’d get
an enthusiastic “yes!”
from the love of my life
when actually,
I just have a lot of candle holders.
There is no alternate plan,
no one to profess my love to.
Just 11 little fires
flickering in the quiet of my room.

Client Notes

Client exhibits his depression
on walls like fine works of art.
Displays nervousness
in a glass trophy case for everyone to see,
fidgets with anything he can get his hands on,
trips over words
and falls on his face.
Client is quiet
with a loud mind.
Has A.D.D. without evidence of hyperactivity
except on the inside.
Stays away from caffeine
because his heart will beat so fast he might lose it.
He prefers to lose it in other ways.
He is always thinking, always wondering,
always wanting to learn more.
Rarely speaks in groups
but bursts at the seams one-on-one.
Has anxiety about almost everything.
Sometimes can’t get out of bed
for fear that everything will collapse around him.
Knows this is irrational
but his brain refuses to cooperate with reality.
Is an olympic level over-thinker.
Worries his fault lines
will collide and shake others to the core.
His fears are death
and making people uncomfortable.
He’s impulsive with money
and his desire for others.
Client is eager to love himself
better than anyone else knows how.
Client is eager to learn what a healthy romantic relationship is.
He can’t remember
the last time he was truly in love.
He can’t remember the last time
someone was truly in love with him.
He speaks often of the past,
uses it as his security blanket.
Needs to focus more on the future.
Is overwhelmed by beauty.
Wishes he could touch the stars.
Wishes for things that can’t come true.
Wonders if he even wants them to.
Is mostly comfortable in his own skin.
Writes like the beating of his heart depends on it.
Wants to learn how to love the same way.
Uses music to daydream.
Lets it course through his veins.
Likes to impress and please others.
Is cognizant of the possibility of relapse
but no longer craves failure.
He enjoys being in nature.
Knows the capabilities of rivers and oceans.
In the summer,
he wants thunderstorms.
In the winter,
he longs for snow.
Misses the tornado skies of the midwest
and the laughter at Sunday night dinners.
Will eventually visit his grandma’s grave for the first time.
Remembers the night he got the call.
Remembers how she forgot him,
never got the chance to meet him in the first place.
She only ever knew “her”.
Doesn’t miss living in the middle of the country.
Knows the pacific northwest is his haven,
his heaven if heaven exists.
Uses humor as a coping mechanism.
Has bedding to match the seasons.
Feels uneasy otherwise.
Knows that’s weird.
Client has potential.
Has kindness and willingness to succeed.
Is compliant with the rules.
Client understands that he is only half awake.
Knows that waking up fully will take work.
Client is eager to be successful in recovery.
Is ready to do the work.
Is ready
for anything.