my right foot was numbed
to remove 4 toenails,
to let go of an embarrassment
I’ve held on to for at least 15 years.
I couldn’t feel the pain of his tools
digging and ripping
but my body knows trauma
like the backs of all its parts
because I began sweating
and feeling sick to my stomach
and thought I might pass out.
they put something cold on my forehead
and I took a million deep breaths
and felt better.
The nails will never grow back
I’ll have the same procedure done
on the other foot.
In a month, I’ll be having surgery
to remove a reproductive system
I no longer need or want.
I will be letting go
of an unnecessary piece of myself
and my body will once again know trauma.
The pain will come later
when the numbness wears off.
The other day,
I burned a letter I wrote to her
that she will never read
and my body knew a different trauma:
letting go of something
I still wanna hold on to.