In 4th grade, we had small books made about our lives. This is mine. And it’s fucking hilarious. (We would dictate and parents volunteers would type them up.)
This is the cover art. Truly amazing. Especially the backwards “y”. And those balloons…so real.
To be grammatically correct, it should read: “This book is dedicated to my family: Robin, Dennis, etc.” The way it’s written makes it seem like the people listed aren’t a part of my family but random people I made up. And aunts, uncles, and cousins I didn’t bother to name. Also, Theodore was our dog. I was really into the Chipmunks when we got him (I was 4). We already had two fish named Alvin and Simon so Theodore was the obvious choice.
The only thing that’s true about any part of this paragraph is that my birth name was very common back in the 80’s. I definitely wasn’t named after my cousin and I definitely didn’t choose “Andrea” as my new name back in 2008. This book is already starting off as the story of someone else’s life.
I was born at 7:15 a.m. Everything else is true. And that hospital looks exactly how I drew it. It hasn’t been remodeled since.
None of this is true. My heritage is Irish, Scottish, and Russian. Also, the colors of the Colombian flag I drew are in the wrong order. And I’ve never been to Germany so I have no personal stories about it.
I think I captured my family’s features perfectly in this artistic depiction. I especially love that we all wore the same outfit that day. Like a family of Uncle Sam impersonators.
Drawing houses was always my specialty. Look at that landscape. Goddamn amazing.
I never did spend more time learning about endangered species. Just another dream, lost in a sea of other lost dreams.
You can practically smell the fresh-cut grass.
Ever since this book of my life was revisited at my wedding rehearsal dinner back in 2009, friends and family still, to this day, post articles about her on my Facebook. Or they e-mail them to me. One year for halloween, I went as Amelia Earhart and Will (the ex) went as her plane (he’s wearing a propeller hat). In retrospect, we should have added some fake bruises and cuts to him to make it more authentic.
And thus ends the story of my life at 9 years-old. This German Colombian thanks you for reading.